What if I am living up to my potential?

I started talking about this blog with a friend and looking into what amazing things people are doing in the world with the stated intention of spreading the good news, of counteracting the negativity of the evening news, etc.

What I didn't say, because I didn't quite have the words, was that I'm researching these people, reading about them, collecting them, because I am looking for what I want to be when I grow up.  And I'm struggling with the comments on almost every report card from kindergarden on up.  It goes something like "Amy is a very smart girl but she doesn't try hard enough. She is not living up to her potential."

To those very well-meaning (I'm sure, they were all very nice to me) teachers, I kindly say, "Screw you."

To those specific voices, I add the voices of 'society' that every woman hears. (Yes, this is a gender specific thing. I can't begin to speak for men but I welcome the comments.)  We hear from a young age that we can bring home the bacon, fry up in a pan, and, at the same time, never let 'you' forget you're a man. Then there is the whole pressure of reproduction. Childless women are pitied or told they won't really know love until they have a child. Then if we do happen to have children, we're thrust into the mommy wars with women on all sides (I picture the battle like a 20-sided die from Dungeons and Dragons) who are "mommier-than-thou" for many reasons. No matter what you do, you feel like you are doing it wrong. Staying home? Your career is in the toilet. Working? Man, those kids a headed for prison/rehab/prostitution, whatever.

I say "Screw you" to all of that, too. Hey, it's only taken me 14 years of parenting for that.

So how did those teachers know I wasn't living up to my potential? How do I know?  What is my 'potential' and how will we know when I've measure up to it?  I guess it's that age-old question, how do we, as individuals and a society, measure success?

When do we get to really feel this is what I'm supposed to be doing, this is where I'm supposed to be doing it and this is with whom I'm supposed to be?

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to make the world a better place. Really. I knew that. The big question was how?  It is still the big question.  I'm smart, I know that. Everybody's told me that for as long as I've been around. But 'smart' came to mean 'capable of Really Big Things'. I should Big Things and Change the World in a Big Way.  Flashy. Cure cancer, broker peace, write something that changes things for good.  Obviously, I haven't. So obviously, I haven't lived up to my potential.

I mentioned motherhood a few paragraphs up there, and have faith, there is a connection. For the last 14 years I have been, with their fabulous dad, raising three girls. And that's pretty much it. Got a few degrees on the side, but the kids have been the main focus. And as my very good friend Pam knows, I struggle with that. With that being enough. Is being a stay at home, homeschooling for a bit, mom really living up to you-know-what? Is it enough? I was never going to have kids. I was an 80s lady.  So is that it? Is my main contribution to the world going to be some DNA and cookies? (You can tell by the way I phrased that question that usually my answer is no.)

But what if it was? What if for the last 14 years my contribution to the world was to raise three thoughtful, loving, children and instill in them compassion, the necessity of giving back and recognition of their privilege place in the world and the responsibilities that carries with it? And to learn the lessons, the never-ending, heart-, mind-, and soul-expanding (anyone says body gets smacked) lessons that you learn from parenthood?

What if?

And what if the next thing will show, if I just have faith? Maybe I don't have to hitch my star to someone else's wagon. Maybe I can just look inside, recover my passions - because I do think they have gotten drowned out in a flood of shoulds - and do what moves me, regardless of whether I do it better than anyone else or if it some sort of unique gift. I think, speaking completely personally, I need to focus on being of service rather than gifting the universe with my fabulous potential.  I think the weight of living up to some imaginary potential that was dumped on me 30-odd years ago has been paralyzing me.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to set that burden down and just be me for a while. Potential actualized. I think it might be enough.

On that note, a music video for your enjoyment. Ellis singing "Right on Time."

Right on Time - Ellis

Enjoy.