What if I am living up to my potential?

I started talking about this blog with a friend and looking into what amazing things people are doing in the world with the stated intention of spreading the good news, of counteracting the negativity of the evening news, etc.

What I didn't say, because I didn't quite have the words, was that I'm researching these people, reading about them, collecting them, because I am looking for what I want to be when I grow up.  And I'm struggling with the comments on almost every report card from kindergarden on up.  It goes something like "Amy is a very smart girl but she doesn't try hard enough. She is not living up to her potential."

To those very well-meaning (I'm sure, they were all very nice to me) teachers, I kindly say, "Screw you."

To those specific voices, I add the voices of 'society' that every woman hears. (Yes, this is a gender specific thing. I can't begin to speak for men but I welcome the comments.)  We hear from a young age that we can bring home the bacon, fry up in a pan, and, at the same time, never let 'you' forget you're a man. Then there is the whole pressure of reproduction. Childless women are pitied or told they won't really know love until they have a child. Then if we do happen to have children, we're thrust into the mommy wars with women on all sides (I picture the battle like a 20-sided die from Dungeons and Dragons) who are "mommier-than-thou" for many reasons. No matter what you do, you feel like you are doing it wrong. Staying home? Your career is in the toilet. Working? Man, those kids a headed for prison/rehab/prostitution, whatever.

I say "Screw you" to all of that, too. Hey, it's only taken me 14 years of parenting for that.

So how did those teachers know I wasn't living up to my potential? How do I know?  What is my 'potential' and how will we know when I've measure up to it?  I guess it's that age-old question, how do we, as individuals and a society, measure success?

When do we get to really feel this is what I'm supposed to be doing, this is where I'm supposed to be doing it and this is with whom I'm supposed to be?

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to make the world a better place. Really. I knew that. The big question was how?  It is still the big question.  I'm smart, I know that. Everybody's told me that for as long as I've been around. But 'smart' came to mean 'capable of Really Big Things'. I should Big Things and Change the World in a Big Way.  Flashy. Cure cancer, broker peace, write something that changes things for good.  Obviously, I haven't. So obviously, I haven't lived up to my potential.

I mentioned motherhood a few paragraphs up there, and have faith, there is a connection. For the last 14 years I have been, with their fabulous dad, raising three girls. And that's pretty much it. Got a few degrees on the side, but the kids have been the main focus. And as my very good friend Pam knows, I struggle with that. With that being enough. Is being a stay at home, homeschooling for a bit, mom really living up to you-know-what? Is it enough? I was never going to have kids. I was an 80s lady.  So is that it? Is my main contribution to the world going to be some DNA and cookies? (You can tell by the way I phrased that question that usually my answer is no.)

But what if it was? What if for the last 14 years my contribution to the world was to raise three thoughtful, loving, children and instill in them compassion, the necessity of giving back and recognition of their privilege place in the world and the responsibilities that carries with it? And to learn the lessons, the never-ending, heart-, mind-, and soul-expanding (anyone says body gets smacked) lessons that you learn from parenthood?

What if?

And what if the next thing will show, if I just have faith? Maybe I don't have to hitch my star to someone else's wagon. Maybe I can just look inside, recover my passions - because I do think they have gotten drowned out in a flood of shoulds - and do what moves me, regardless of whether I do it better than anyone else or if it some sort of unique gift. I think, speaking completely personally, I need to focus on being of service rather than gifting the universe with my fabulous potential.  I think the weight of living up to some imaginary potential that was dumped on me 30-odd years ago has been paralyzing me.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to set that burden down and just be me for a while. Potential actualized. I think it might be enough.

On that note, a music video for your enjoyment. Ellis singing "Right on Time."

Right on Time - Ellis

Enjoy.

It gets better. (And so will this blog. I hope.)

I've been wanting to write so many things this past month. So much has inspired me and friends have pointed me towards a multitude of fabulousness.  If I could have the words go directly from my brain onto the screen, I would be a blogging machine.

Part of the problem is that when I go to research something, I get so excited about it that I spend all the time I had set aside to write reading and following the virtual yellow brick road to ever more interesting destinations.

But one this caught my attention this week that  I couldn't ignore. The "It Gets Better" video campaign started by Dan Savage.  Preventing suicide of teens, particularly queer teens, has been an important soapbox of mine. When I meet people who are in the closest, while I respect the many reasons for it, I can't help thinking of how much pain and suffering could be prevented if everybody would just live out loud and proud. Don't hide your differences, whatever they are. You don't know for who you could be an inspiration. You may never know. But just by living out, you could be changing the world for someone.

It gets better.

See the videos

Such a simple statement and yet so powerful to hear it over and over.

By now most of us have heard of the spate of suicides that prompted Dan Savage to start the 'It gets better' movement. It wasn't meant to be a movement. It was just a reaching out.

"I posted something to my blog about Billy Lucas — who might not have even been gay, he wasn't out if he was gay, and not all kids who experience anti-gay bullying are gay — but he was bullied for being gay. ... And I was reading about him and about Justin Aaberg [another teenager who committed suicide after being bullied at school] in Minnesota, and the reaction as an openly gay adult, always, when you read these stories is, 'I wish I could've talked to this kid for five minutes, so I could've told him it gets better,' " Savage told MTV News on Thursday (September 30). "And it occurred to me, when I was really turning over the Billy Lucas case in my mind, that I could talk to these kids. ... I could use social media, I could go on YouTube, I could make a digital video and I could post it, and I could directly address them and tell them, 'It gets better.'

So he did. And then Ellen Degeneris did. And a bunch of other people and it went viral. And hopefully some kids who need to hear it are hearing it. And not just queer kids. This applies to anyone who is getting bullied, anyone who feels different from everyone else around them.

I realize this applies to most of teens in middle school and high school. I think that's the point. I think it's important. As the mom of teens, I marvel at my daughters and how they fit into school in a way I never seemed to. I still struggle with the image of myself I saw in other people's eyes in middle school – a world 30 years and more in the past. I wish I had had video after video of people who had been where I was and come out the other side to tell me – it gets better.

What a wonderful use of social media. A thing that started out small and became a movement at the speed of twitter. Can anyone send me examples of other social movements that depend on the internet like that? I'm fascinated by them.

Kiva.org, where people can make microloans to individual to help get themselves out of poverty – not possible without the internet. Vitta.org is a microlending site that helps put kids through school.

Small acts add up to world-changing power. It gives me hope and adds to my need to find the cause that I am passionate about. Can a person be passionate about 'causes' in general? Do I need to pick an area? Can I be excited about the power of social media and social business to empower people? Is it weird to be excited about the way the most successful ventures are collaborative and user-generated?

Here is a list of some sites to check out:

9 Ways to Do Good With 5 minutes or $25

The Trevor Project - Suicide hotline and prevention for GLBT teens